Still have this silly old thing. Don't want to get rid of it either.

I want to start to get back into the habit of doing some blogs that just blurt of how my day went or how things are. Just, an update. But the small free time that i have, like now, i'm in a rush.

I feel like im always living life in a rush. I drive fast everywhere. To the grocery store, to work. Everything. Because i feel like i have so little time and the more time i have the more i can get done.

Funny how people always say they have so little time and when you actually look at their schedule, they have a lot of free time actually. i should write down on a piece of paper just to look at it so i can calm down about it all.

I feel like in the free time that i have, i fit as much as i can do. I mean, when i'm not at work i try to squeeze in so many things. I have such a structured life. I mean, i like organization, because i don't like feeling like a mess. But it's so back and forth. I have to be so organized because i don't want chaos in life, but me doing organization causes chaos because i have deadlines, goals to hit. No down time. Work work work, go go go. Don't stop. Don't slow down.

But then when i do, i dont want to get back up and get moving again. Blah. Heh. I need a rejuvination time.

Like now, i feel like i'm just naturally writing this thing so fast because i want to do so many things during my break time. Ah.

Wow, i just went into a straight up vent.

Anywho,

Life is good. It can be great! But i can't complain. I am blessed with a job. I can eat. I have shelter. I can spend some leisure money. It's good. Only thing i want more is, time. But there's only 24 hours in each day.

Getting older.

I'm so young to be saying that.

But, it's a fact!

Heh. When i was down i used to write about how i felt. In blogs. Poems when things were that intense. When i didnt feel like blabbing for paragraphs and just let it out and get somewhat creative with it.

Right now i'll be honest. I'm scared to write a poem. Because right now i think i am in deep need for venting. And i don't wana just lay it all out in a blog. But, im scared to even write a poem because that means i'm gna dig deep and say the things that are in me that i never spoke out loud and gave life. Scared because, what if they bring certain feelings i don't want?

I seriously need to talk to someone about this. Not just tell someone. I need input. Advice. Good advice. Not the typical cliche type things. I mean. Idk who's been in my position right now. Like, exactly the way it is.

I'm looking for non judgement and understand and, grace. And, love.

I should be going to God for this. Like everything else in life.

I guess the enemy is putting stuff in my head again like i don't deserve this n that and that i'm a disgrace.

I don't deserve a lot of things. Nothing.. i think. But the Lord gives it to me, and i've been doing better with just saying Thank you and being grateful, cause of all the great things he blesses me with in life.

Can't make any claims yet. But i might be climbing up the corporate ladder soon. I guess thats a good thing??? In a way. hehe.

Finances are getting better.

My boyfriend right now is... wonderful.

But i need to find me again. And i think i can only go through God for that.

God has truly humbled me. I have hit that string, that sensitive string where i just shook it all.

I guess in never really fully realized how much power i hold. And, i guess it had to be this to put me into shock and realize, i can really tear someone apart.

I always knew that, but until it actually happened, i realize how much power it really is. How much hurt i can really cause. How much i just want to make everything better. I have never wanted to make something better so bad. Never felt this way, exactly.

I said some hurtful things. And i said hurtful things because i was hurt. And until i saw how he reacted after i was being selfish, wanting his attention, all my hurt for myself just dissipated in the air and i'm hurting and freaking out because i just want to make everything better with him and take the pain away.

I had totally forgotten that my words mean so much to him. Even after he told me he needed me. I do this to him.

God has really humbled me though. Each time we were in a disagreement i just felt like bursting out and making him chase me and show him that he needs to realize that he's hurting me and all of that. But after every time, i took time, and i asked God what should i do. I do not want to make the wrong move. And he has always, always told me. Patience. Grace. And so, i put my pride down. At least i tried to. And i forgave. And trusted God. He knows best.

And i guess my head wasn't in the right place. I somehow left my patience somewhere and my grace just wasn't really present. I was just being too sensitive, close minded. One sided. And he just wanted to make everything right. And i kept pointing fingers. And after saying what i said, i really hurt him.

I couldn't go to sleep, i couldn't rest knowing he was feeling the way he was feeling. I couldn't leave him like that.

Now i really understand how bad he always wants to make things better right away. Because i felt that way. And i usually try to make him wait til i calm down. Now i know how he might feel. Freaking out on the other end. Because that's how i was feeling.

When i told him i was committed, i meant it. When i'm angry, upset, sad. I don't think of it as the end. I think of it as a bump in the road. I somehow know, this will work out. Because i don't want to think of it as the end. I will not quit on him. I made that commitment a long time ago. And on my end, i will not quit. But, i will keep doing whatever it takes, as long as he wants me to keep working at it.

Or unless God says otherwise for us. I will not quit.

I need an abundance of grace. I need an abundance of patience. And having him in my life has been, so.. emotional but at the same time i've gotten to experience how it is to have something that i didn't believe i could have, but wanted so bad.

I don't think he knows how much he truly means to me. I haven't told him, all the things i've fought within myself, old habits, old thoughts. And i probably should tell him.

I guess it was that tiny fear inside me of being completely vulnerable. Feeling little, because i don't want to be seen as the sensitive little girl on the other end of the relationship. But i want to make everything better. I'll get down on my knees. I honestly do whatever it takes, to make things better. I'll spend forever trying to right what i have done wrong. I really mean it. And if that means taking my heart out and being absolutely, completely vulnerable, i'll do it.

I asked God to show me what Love is. That i get closer to the Lord, so that i know what it is. That i experience it.

I'm working at it. I'll keep working hard to create it.

I was too proud to admit, submit to him. I wanted to keep hold of my one-woman show. But it's not worth it if that requires me hurting him and cutting him down. I would never do it.

I'm really being shown who i need to be in life. Because i have been asking God that too.

I'll make everything better. God, will make everything better. No matter what happens.

No matter what.